Trash Talk Recycling

Would you tell Barb what Jill said about her if you were certain that Barb was going to confront Jill using you as her source of information? Confused? Let's make it a story problem.

You and Barb have been close friends for years, you support each other through thick and thin, working on community projects together, helping with each others garage sales, you are known for being best friends. Jill, an acquaintance of both of yours tells you that she thinks Barb's decision to keep chairing the Festival of Bird Baths is ridiculously but predictably selfish and that it's time Barb passed the torch to another member of the Babes for Bird Baths Association. She has plenty more to say about your friend Barb, but realizes she's getting a chilly reception and clams up.

All too often, we pass this sort of trash talk along to the "trashed", but forbid them from telling the "Jills" of the world who spilled the beans.  This leaves Barb insulted and powerless (probably the worst one-two combo in the world). Here's my view of this: If you aren't completely comfortable being quoted on your reporting of trash talk, keep it to yourself. Or better yet, tell the Jill to take a hike. "You are talking about my friend and I don't like it".

It seems to me, when we pass along an insult in the spirit of "I thought you should know....", but haven't...

1. had the guts to confront the trash talker yourself and defended your friend; and
2. given your friend your permission to cite you the source

...you leave her in the position to doubt YOUR friendship. I sure would.

This happened to a good friend of mine recently and as she told me the details, my very first question was: Why in the world did she tell you this? And she swore you to secrecy, that you could never mention it? Huh? Who is the queen of mean here?

If this sounds like high school junk, I agree. As we get older and wiser(?), the stakes get higher with careers and families in the balance. Let's all stand up for each other when we hear this junk, and to the betrayed: the favor of not retelling the story.

Lady Campers!

Is it always such a good idea to get out of your comfort zone? When you get that "uncomfortable" feeling, isn't that a message to re-evaluate your circumstances and plan the exit strategy? Or does it mean that you are growing? Growing is supposed to be good for you I hear.

Here's the story: My family wants to go camping. Yes, camping. Outside. In the woods. I've gotten this far in life with "Just Say No".  Camping just isn't my thing, and yes I say that for all the girlie reasons that you would expect. I'm not proud.

I recently made the mistake of adding a caveat to the whole camping issue: OK, I will go, IF: We go with another family of veteran-campers who have kids and all the equipment to make it something I ATTEND not CREATE. I don't know how to camp. I'm certain that other women like myself have been initiated into camping and have figured out all the tricks to make it fun for kids and grown-up sorts.

Just like when you negotiate with God and tell him you'll never eat chocolate again if he could just make that police officer pass you on the highway and pull over the the car ahead of you, my wish has been granted and just such a family has invited us to go into the woods with them. In fact, two families have come forward. They have the equipment. My family looks at me with  raised eyebrows and they smirk at me. I am cornered. I want my chocolate back.

So lady campers... send me your secret tricks to make camping a magical family experience...please!

Is there anything new to say about Family/Work Balance?

The very worst guest on Mary in the Morning is the "expert" that points out a very serious issue and then spends the next 15 minutes of valuable airtime saying exactly that, over and over and over. This issue is SOO important. No innovative solution, no 3 step plan to make things better. Just a reiteration of why the topic is so important and even more annoyingly, how important it is that you resolve this issue... or else here's the bad news: (fill in the blank). BUT NO ANSWERS WE CAN USE.

Whenever I hear from a publicist about an author who has tackled the Work vs. Family Balance issue, I ask to see the book before agreeing to the booking. I have yet to read anything new on the topic. There are some guiding principles that we are all familiar with:

1. Learn to say no
2. Delegate at home and work
3. Demand support for your career from family members
4. Work for a company that supports family-friendly policies
5. Approach your career phases as seasons, relating to the demands of your family over a period of time

Beyond these basics, I have yet to hear anything ground-breaking or even interesting on the topic. I just crave my Calgon Take Me Away moment when I consider the issue. I just read an e-mail from a listener who would like more conversation on the Mary in the Morning show about family/work balance. She is hopeful that other listeners will have great ideas that they could share with each other. Have I become cynical and skeptical? I predict a morning of dead air.

This is a challenge for every woman I know and I have come to believe that there exists a unique approach for every woman. No one-size-fits-all answer. Some of us get it and some of us spend way too much of our time feeling inadequate and a disappointment to others.

Our mothers blazed the trail for us, gaining entry to many career fields that were closed to us. They told us we could be anything we wanted and we did it! But we haven't figured out how our families are going function if we aren't there. Carol the Corporate Wonder thinks that her 11 year-old daughter will be so proud of Mom for being the first woman in her company to be promoted to Regional Manager, but in reality, she'd prefer you be home after school to help make banners for swim team. Women go around and around in their minds, trying to remember what is really important and what is not. How much are they willing to sacrifice for their families, how much for their careers? Would your husband's give up your $45,000 salary in exchange for a more relaxed life partner?

Do you have ideas to share? Let's start the conversation here and see where it goes...

Rest and Win!

Ten years ago (post 9/11) the trend was Nesting. In February, I was remarking to my geeky marketing friends that I believed that an upcoming marketing trend would be Resting. My geeky friends scowled at me, thinking I had lost my trend-spotting touch. After all, our culture prizes the go-go-go lifestyle accessorized with speedy technology pushing us to heights of frenzied productivity and madness. 

I held firm. More and more research is showing that without REST, we diminish the returns from our efforts, both cerebral and physical.. Think about your weekends and vacations, restful? I'm not asking are they fun. Are they Restful? Do your body and mind ever, ever, ever get a chance to catch up. Just relax. Do you find yourself creating to-do lists while getting a massage, having sex, trying to fall asleep. Perhaps, you have forgotten how to... rest.

I had put my Rest Marketing Trend  on the upper shelf, out of my reach with a wait and see attitude, until this conversation took place:

Mary: Thank you doctor for taking my call. I'm wondering what I can do to speed up my recovery from surgery?

Doctor: Rest.

Mary: Yes, I understand, but what else? Supplements? Pharmaceuticals? CDs or tapes I can download to my iPod?  Special exercises? A class? Yeah, an expensive Get Better Faster class? I'd like to sign up for that right away!!!

Doctor: Rest and time are the only two things you need. And maybe more sleep.

Mary: Tell me, please, that you are kidding.

Doctor: Mary, all you need is rest.

Now not every one needs to recover from surgery, but I think we are all going to start getting the message from health and mental wellness folks that what we need, in order to be more of whatever we are trying to be, is, in fact, rest.

I predict that:

• You will see products launching to help us get better rest, like Zeo, your personal sleep coach. 
• You will learn strategies from the sports world about resting for winning.
• You will begin to hear more about the impact of fatigue on your body and mind.

So my message is twofold: 1) get more rest; and, 2) if you are a marketer, begin to think of how you can bring a promise of rest to your customers and clients.

The Fair Factor of a Family Business

I've bumped into one topic several times in the past few days and figure that somebody who follows this blog will benefit. "That's not fair", we all say this as kids when a sibling got some thing or privilege that we did not. Where was the equality????? As parents we do try to be fair with our kids and, for the most part, kids expect that their parents will do right by them. Hence the outrage when they experience a violation of the code.

Fast forward to real life where guess what? Life's not always fair, especially in the work place. Is that bad? Can we still cry "That's not fair!" Nowhere does this issue of fairness become a convoluded contest of contestents and judges of equality over performance than in a family owned business. A very wise working partner in a family business pointed out to me that trouble erupts when you apply the same principles of family life to a business culture. It just doesn't work. Compensation and promotion must be based on performance not the membership card to the gene pool.

Not easy to implement when you have siblings or cousins (of any age) working in the business. Just because you own equal equity does not mean equal compensation.

What to do? Three principles to guide family member/owner income from the family business:

1. Family members should share equally in business equity, especially if inherited from parents. Any draws on equity should be handled following strictly agreed to policies that are consistently applied to all family member owners.
2. Compensation (salaries, commissions, bonuses, etc...) for family and non-family should be based on the market value of the employee within your region's economy and circumstances. Inflated salaries for family members will have non-family employees stormin' for the door.
3. Family members not employed by the business should never receive benefits of employment.

These principles will serve you well in times of "That's not fair!". They will also give non-family member employees a sense of fairness. It doesn't matter if you are 8 or 48, we all want to be treated fairly, if not equally. 

Love and Business

As women will do, I was chatting with a friend about well, yes, relationships. We were talking about people marrying up or down. My friend recalled a conversation she had with her bright, successful niece about her engagement to a man that was quite frankly a total loser. The bride-to-be beamed when she spoke of how her loser fiancé made her feel special and loved like never before. The wise aunt asked her “Tell me what you love about him?” Again the bride rallied on about his understanding of her personality, his patience with her, how he adores and accepts everything about her. She had never felt so confident about herself in a relationship or even in general. She owed it all to him. Asked again, “But really, what do you love about HIM?”  The young woman cocked her head and said “I don’t get what you mean?” Yikes. Fast-forward three years, and predictably the niece had taken her now self-confident self on the road and left the loser, telling her friends that she realized she never really loved him. Double yikes. Aunt: 2 points!

So what does this have to do with business? Plenty. The employer/employee relationship is very similar to a marriage. If an employee judges their marriage with your company only by what they get from the relationship, it won’t last. However if an employee loves being a part of the company, feels pride in how the company operates, can point to specific examples of the company doing the right thing, acting with integrity and charity in the community, respecting all employees, and making smart decisions, the employee will stay with you through thick and thin.

These are the businesses that when a company-wide pay cut is needed, employees don’t gripe or curse; they work harder to save the company they love. How do you know which type of company you are?

Ask yourself:
Do departing employees typically leave for higher paying companies?
Are company parties, special occasions poorly attended?
Employees would prefer to not wear logo attire?
There are many long time employees?

Your answers should give you some insight into how lovable your company is. Surprisingly it has very little to do with compensation and more to do with integrity, smart management and caring about your staff.

My advice: People need to know that they a part of something bigger and better than themselves. Be a good company and communicate the how and why to your employees and your community. Make employees feel proud of their association with your company.

If you work for a company you love, tell us why. Maybe an employer will learn something.

Mary

Guest blogger: Jim Scherrer, CEO Child & Family Services

I’m honored to be Mary’s guest blogger this week…. Glad she is home in the “Rogers Spa,” and best wishes for a speedy recovery. Maybe if I do a good job, she will promote me to guest hosting the show someday!

We at Child and Family Services are fortunate to have Mary’s commitment, expertise, not to mention sense of humor on our Board of Directors, as well as Marigold’s and Mary in the Morning’s partnership on our 9th Annual Festival of Tables, set for Friday and Saturday, May 14 and 15, 2010, at The Hagerty Center.

The Festival of Tables celebrates good food, good company, and the art of entertaining at home. It includes dozens of exquisitely designed dining tables—all to inspire but some to be taken home with lucky raffle winners! You will also have an opportunity to win one of five fantasy raffle packages such as “”Room Re-Do” or “A Year of Fine Dining,” each with a value of at least $2,000! And the Festival of Tables will host one of the best silent auctions you’ll see anywhere. Back this year for the Friday Night Gala will be the popular “(Not) Just for Men” Tent, with all sorts of great fun for the fellas, and those who love them. And Saturday will be the traditional Ladies’ Luncheon with all the fun, friendship, and creativity you’ve come to expect. Visit www.festivaloftables.org for all the details.

The Festival of Tables is a great event for a great cause—that cause being our foster care, adoption, counseling, and advocacy programs for children and families throughout Northwestern Michigan. We’ve been at this work since 1937—quite a long, home-grown history.

As I thought about what to write about here, one of our staff members perceptively noted that most often we celebrate the adoptions that take place at Child and Family Services, the creation of new “forever families.” We don’t give as much time or attention to those biological families whose children are placed in foster care because they have not been able to keep home safe. We forget that foster care is a means to an end, that the reunification of families is its main goal. And we have been seeing enough reunifications of families that it seemed, in this spring season, worthy of celebration. I’d like to tell you a couple of stories that illustrate this success.

“Nicole” is a single mom of three children, Adam, 5 years old, Sierra, 3, and the 18 month-old boy, Andrew. Nicole had become pregnant with Adam as a junior in high school, and now at the age of 24 she looked 10 years older, probably mostly due to the alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine she abused. She was living with a man who was not the father of her children and who was physically abusive toward her and them. As a result of his traumatized family life her older son had severe anger and anxiety issues.

The children were placed in foster care when it became clear that Nicole was about to become homeless. The foster family with whom the children were placed were very seasoned, having been foster parents for more than 15 years. Dave and Karen spent a good deal of time with Nicole, talking with her about effective parenting techniques and using love and reasoning to deal with behaviors. She began to say things like “I cannot accept the words you are using” to Adam when he cursed at her, or used loving touch, held him close and stroked his hair and back when he threw tantrums. At the same time, Nicole made the personal decision to fight to get her children back. She took advantage of the community resources available to her to get off drugs and alcohol. She kept up her appointments, left her abusive companion, and found temporary shelter for herself while she looked for a home. In short, she did what the court required of her. At her three-month court review, she had met all her goals. At her 6-month review, her workers were so impressed with her that they recommended unsupervised visits. It has been nearly a year since Nicole’s children were in foster care, and while we don’t always know exactly what happens after children leave us, I’d guess the family is probably still doing pretty well.

A trend in the past year or two is that of relative placements—licensing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other kin to foster children within an extended family. This process helps maintain family ties and builds on family strengths in the best interests of the children. After a young mom died of an accidental drug overdose, her husband was so distraught he was unable to adequately care for their children James, 15, Jesse, 12, and Joshua, 9. He began drinking heavily and lost his job after several warnings about tardiness and other issues. His late wife’s parents, as grief-stricken as they too were, were up to the task of caring for their grandchildren while their son-in-law worked to confront and overcome these terrible life challenges. They became licensed foster parents and the children lived with them for nearly a year while dad got the counseling and support he needed to parent well again.

It is this work that your support of the Festival of Tables helps make possible. Not only will you be lending a hand to children and families as they heal and grow, you will have a blast. We promise! Buy your tickets at www.festivaloftables.com. For more about Child and Family Services visit www.cfsnwmi.org.

Thanks, Mary, for giving me this forum to share a little bit about Child and Family Services with your readers and fans!

Jim Scherrer, M.A.

CEO Child and Family Services

3785 Veterans Drive

Traverse City, MI 49684

231.946.8975

jscherrer@cfsmail.org